1. Your college GPA.Your high school GPA kiiinda matters because it helps you get into college if that’s your jam. Likewise, if you’re planning to go to grad school, your college GPA might matter. But once you turn 25 you immediately forget what all your GPAs were. “Ds get degrees,” is the truest statement a bro has ever come up with.
2. Your minor. I crammed in two extra classes in my senior year of college just so my diploma would say that I took kind of a lot, but not really that many, creative writing courses. To date, no one has ever asked me about children’s literature or assigned me to write a novella.
3. How popular you were at any previous stage of your life. Oh, you were friends with Rumer Willis in high school? Congrats! I was renowned for my stellar parties in college and then I moved to a new city after graduation and had one friend. Two if you count Erin the Other Intern I sometimes got lunch with but also feuded with over assignments. (I do not count Erin.)
4. Whether or not you’ve achieved a major life goal you planned to accomplish by 25. Like writing a book or earning a six-figure salary or getting married. You’re only 25!
5. How cool your Friday night plans are. Twenty-six was the year I realized staying in with a Lean Cuisine and Netflix on Friday nights was a better way to unwind from a long week than partying. My life only improved from there.
6. Being tan. The moment you’re old enough to know someone personally who has skin cancer is the moment you stop worrying about how even your tan is and start worshipping sunscreen.
7. Whether you had a boyfriend in high school (or college!). I actually had an Adult Boyfriend ask me about my past relationships once, only to tell me that “high school and college boyfriends don’t count.” It was kind of insulting at the time, but now I think it has a nice clean-slateness to it. Sorry, misogynistic Dave Matthews fan with frosted tips I once dated!
8. How many people you slept with in college. If you went to college, everyone just assumes it was a lot. Or some. Or none. No one cares.
9. Lip gloss. Once you turn 25, it’s just one more thing to get your hair stuck in.
10. How much money your parents have. If anyone makes fun of how much money your parents have, they are the asshole.
11. Having a “flat stomach.” Why are Youngs so obsessed with flat stomachs? I am in my late 20s and I want a Jillian-Michaels-style six-pack. I want to attract wild animals with my sausage abs. And by wild animals I mean attractive 28-year-old tech millionaires.
12. What music you listen to. Remember when going through someone’s iPod at a party was the most intimate and revealing thing you could do? “Guys, Dan listens to Interpol. So, yeah, I think I’ll make out with him later.” After 25 it’s like, “Guys, Dan’s a Phish phan and I’m marrying him anyway.”
13. Where you shop. Before 25: “Where’d you get that cute top?” “I think it’s like Isaac Mizrahi… *whispers* for Target.” After 25: “Where’d you get that cute top?” “Target,” *high fives*.
14. Being good at sports. Awesome thing about being in your late 20s: If you casually mention that you jog a few days a week, everyone deems you “the athletic one.” You could be scooting around the block on a Razor for all they know. But now Office Lisa will hit you up ever time she wants to do a charity 5k because “you’re a runner!”
15. Wearing makeup every day. It started with Bare-Faced Sundays. By 26, Fancy Fridays are the only day you actually bother with mascara.
16. Your parents’ annoying habits. So your dad looks like he’s going to consume his whole meal and the table and your whole family every time he takes a bite. No use nagging him about it now. Dude’s like 55. He paid for your college. Leave him alone.