1. Did I remember my card?
2. These carts are like SUVs.
3. Where did all these people come from?
4. Where did all these children come from?
5. I am seriously wading through a quicksand of people.
6. How are all these people members? There are seriously five times as many people here as there are at Target, a place with no membership.
7. Whatever, I’m just going to get a couple of things, get in and get out.
8. OH SNAP FOOD SAMPLES.
9. WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE AT THIS SAMPLE BOOTH?
10. WTF? Are those vitamin samples?
11. No, thank you, cranberry juice sample.
12. Let’s see what’s happening over at the hot samples.
13. Why does every hot sample booth have a crowd of people 10 feet deep circling over it?
14. I have never seen so many people so uniformly dedicated to getting a free sample of something.
15. GASP, IT’S BECAUSE THE SAMPLES ARE CAKE!
16. AND/OR MINI EGG ROLLS!
17. AND/OR PIZZA!
18. NOOO, the sample lady says it’s going to be five minutes until the samples are ready.
19. I guess I could go shopping and then come back…
20. …but no, then I will lose my place in line for these precious precious free samples.
21. I must stay here in line and stay strong.
22. Seriously, everyone needs to stop cutting in line, I was here for free samples first.
23. OH SNAP THE OVEN FULL OF COOKED FOOD IS OPENING.
24. Everyone is closing in on this sample lady, there is seriously about to be a riot.
25. I am now fighting people for what is basically two bites of food, max. What am I doing with my life?
26. Sample lady is telling everyone that the sample food is very hot, literally no one is listening.
27. I am also not listening.
28. Everyone is burning their mouths with hot cheese and loving it.
29. BEST TASTING FOOD EVER.
30. Wait, what did I come here for in the first place?
31. Why is everything that I need so far away from everything that is tasty? I feel like I need a sherpa.
32. Oh, right, I forgot that Costco sells coffins.
33. Hmmm, should I buy seven sticks of deodorant at once?
34. Wow, I forgot how expensive deodorant is.
35. But the savings!
36. Why does every container of everything only come in two sizes: the Hagrid and the Incredible Hulk? I get buying in bulk, but I am not even sure where this is going to fit in my house.
37. How am I going to get all this toilet paper to my car?
38. Do I want 200 cans of coke? Making that much of a commitment to soda makes me feel much worse about drinking it.
39. I should have worn more comfortable shoes.
40. Do I need three pounds of salad? Does anyone?
41. Why am I looking at these clothes? I know they are cheap, but I will never wear them.
42. OK, I found everything I need, the hard part is over, just need to check out— OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
43. WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE LINES?
44. THESE ARE LIKE DISNEYLAND LINES.
45. How is every checkout line 20 people deep?
46. And how do all 20 of those people have completely full carts?
47. Is there a five items or less line?
48. Is there an apocalypse happening soon that I haven’t heard about? Because that is what it looks like in here.
49. …I could always get deodorant at CVS.
50. …I could always get salad at the grocery store.
51. How weird would it be if I just left everything here and went home?
52. How did I just spend $ 200 on six things?
53. Whatever, I just want to get out of here.
54. Ugh, Costco is the worst.
55. …But I have enough stuff here so that I don’t have to set foot inside a Costco for weeks.
56. Costco is amazing!