Thanks to my father, I have developed what could be referred to as “a colorful vocabulary.” Of course, this severely upsets my grandmother, as whenever we are at a family gathering, “f*cks” are just flying everywhere.
Sure, I’ve tried to curb this problem, but that usually just results in utter frustration and a plethora of inventive adjectives, verbs and nouns.
This language manifests itself in any and every aspect of my life, and as much as I’ve tried to change it, I can’t. Oh well, who the f*ck cares…
Here are all the things that happen when you are a female with a cursing problem.
1. Road rage is all too real
This has gotten so bad that your friends volunteer to drive in your place… even if that means driving your car for you.
2. The first date is one of your biggest challenges
Ugh, how am I supposed to be myself if I can’t be myself? This guy can’t know what I actually sound like in conversation until at least date five, or he’s going to run for the hills.
3. You basically invented the concept of talking “dirty”
Since every other word that escapes your lips is a variation of “f*cking sh*t.”
4. You have a completely different voice in front of your family
You can let your lips loose when you are around your friends, but you don’t want to air out your potty mouth around your poor grandmother, do you?
As much as you try to keep your conversation clean, you can’t help but have a few swear words slip out every now and then. Hey, you’re only human… it happens.
5. Parents hate you
You are that friend. Your friend’s parents don’t want their kid hanging out with because you are a “bad influence” with your somewhat colorful vocabulary.
Little do they know that their precious little girl is actually the blackout queen of the city.
6. You couldn’t go on reality television because you would just be one big censor
7. You can’t drink at weddings, professional networking events or, honestly, anywhere alcohol is served
The more alcohol that you ingest, the more curses that slip through your lips. This is never good in a professional setting, as you consistently ensure that you will have no networking opportunities… ever.
8. You have an aversion to soap in general
You are scarred for life because you spent the better part of your childhood having your mouth washed out with soap.
You get infuriated at restroom attendants who try and help you wash your hands. Isn’t this why you carry Purell in your purse? No? Just me? OK.
9. You can’t make public speeches
How are you supposed to sound inspired and encouraging if you can’t use your favorite words? How are you supposed to relate to the topic if you can’t really be yourself?
10. You wish you were one of those girls who abused the word “like” instead
There is nothing more annoying than people who insert the word “like” after every syllable, except maybe… you.
If people are more open to listening to that valley girl speak than they are to your stories, maybe an attitude adjustment is in order. Just kidding, f*ck that.
11. You have used the word f*ck as a verb, noun, intensifier, modifier, prefix, suffix, infix and adjective
You may not even be aware of what some of these terms mean, but chances are you’ve used the word “f*ck” in most of these senses before. Inventing new curses is your favorite pastime.
12. People warn you when small children are going to be around
The fact that you must be warned before being in the presence of youngsters seems like a problem in and of itself. But, hey, do you really expect anything else?
13. Acquaintances refer to you as that angry chick
If people don’t know you well enough to understand that cursing is just another part of your sparkling personality, they would just assume you were angry and rude. But guess what? That’s their f*cking problem, not yours.
14. You can’t be around your boss when dealing with stressful situations at work
Other than alcohol, stress is the only other thing that makes you curse more than a sailor. The more stress that you face on the regular, the more curses that escape from your mouth.