1. If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will show up at your front door.
2. What if your cat thinks you just stand on the other side of your apartment’s door for 10 hours a day.
3. Killing spiders makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly.
4. Since a straight line only needs two points, you and I are perfectly lined up right now.
5. Lorde has made millions off a song about how she will never be a millionaire.
6. What if every country has ninjas, but we really only know about the Japanese ones because they’re rubbish?
7. Using your old laptop to research buying a new one is like asking it to dig its own grave.
8. You would actually be much more hesitant to ask your dad for $20 if he was made of money.
9. Cars need “sorry” lights people can activate when they do something stupid.
10. When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
11. Your stomach believes that all potatoes are mashed.
12. Your right elbow has never been touched your right hand.
13. The word “Fat” looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word “Eat.”
14. “Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the human version of “Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?”
15. Unless you’re a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded room.
16. The word “Anna” shifted down the alphabet one letter becomes “Boob.”
17. We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.