1. How to get ready for class in less than 5 minutes.
And sometimes even look this good…
2. How to convince your parents that you need a little extra money that month.
…for “school supplies.”
3. How to avoid doing laundry for much longer than socially acceptable.
That shirt spent a long time airing out on your floor, so it’s pretty much clean again.
4. How to survive off of a diet of alcohol, alcohol…and some more alcohol.
It’s the perfect addition to every situation.
5. When you take a break from alcohol, how to survive off of a collection of the most unhealthy foods known to man.
“Is butter a carb?”
6. How to avoid eye contact on campus with one night stands, exes, and that one girl you just really don’t like.
And pretend you look as badass as Emma Stone while doing it.
7. How to avoid household chores long enough that your roommate gets impatient and does them for you.
You’re really doing them a service. They’ll gain really great life skills as a result of your laziness.
8. How to plan your classes/life around ideal napping times.
You have to make up for all that napping you didn’t take advantage of in your youth.
9. How to sneak a flask into any and all venues.
Because you quickly learn that you don’t have the money to buy drinks and remaining sober is not an option.
10. How to take basic notes in class while also Facebooking, Tweeting, Snapchatting, Texting, etc. etc.
Because obviously everyone needs to know what you’re doing at all times of the day.
11. How to take a class on something and emerge at the end of the semester still not understanding what the class was about.
It is truly an art form.
12. How to eat meals alone and not be self conscious about it.
You may even reach a point where most people bother you.
13. How to make light of your pathetic (at times) life.
Because being alone/failing that exam/being publicly humiliated makes for a hilarious punch line.
P.S. — The opposite gender will still be a complete mystery to you after these four years.
And will probably remain one for a long long time…