Alcohol is seeping out of your pores, you’re getting hit with waves of nausea and your head is pounding through your ears.
This is your prime hangover state. Everything hurts, you’re dying and the best part of it all is your best friend is right next to you feeling the exact same way.
It doesn’t matter how often we go out and try and “perfect” our drinking routine, we fail miserably every single f*cking time.
“When will we learn?!,” you exclaim to each other as you repeatedly hit the bowl trying to ease the pain in your skull.
At this rate, probably never… unless you give up drinking entirely, and as great as that may sound in your pained state, it’s just not going to hold up in the face of tequila shots next weekend.
So how do you spend your hungover day with your best friend? Bitching about your ailments, of course!
1. The amount of alcohol you drank last night
You know what shots do to you… which is why you should be opting for mixed drinks instead. But when everyone around you is ordering rounds and rounds of fireball, it’s not like you’re going to say no, right?
2. The fact that you may have browned out (then when you realize you actually blacked out)
“Do you remember what happened after we got those beers?”
“Um, something out of the ordinary happened? Ugh not again.”
3. How much you stuffed your face when you got home
Looking at your bank statement after a night out elicits a worse feeling than a walk of shame.
You didn’t just stop at the corner pizza shop, you also had french fries and grilled cheese delivered. Aren’t you happy you went to the gym all week?
4. The fact that you may or may not have slept with that guy from the bar
If you don’t remember it doesn’t count, right? RIGHT? Right.
5. How much you are. literally. dying right now
Your head hurts, your brain hurts, your arms hurt, your back hurts — f*ck it, actually everything hurts and you are litch-rally dying. Which brings us to…
6. How much you. can’t. even.
Since you and your bestie are actually dying, there is no way either of you are doing anything productive.
Well, unless productivity includes a “Law & Order: SVU” marathon… then the both of you are being very, very productive today.
7. How bad your breath smells
Smell mine! No, smell mine! Your mouth tastes like a combination of bad decisions and stale pizza. Nice work, ladies.
8. How much you actually hate everyone
“Ugh, why do we go out? It makes no sense whatsoever.”
“I know we usually just end up standing in a corner by ourselves anyway.”
9. The fact that your legs are so sore from dancing
You feel as if you just completed a half marathon, yet you’ve never voluntarily gone running in your life. This is the best workout ever!
10. The blisters on the bottom of your feet
Why did you think it would be a smart idea to walk over 30 minutes home in your high heels? That’s what you get for trying to beat the system.
11. Your credit card statement because you bought everyone a round of Patron shots, even though you hate everyone
You and your blue Chase debit card really had a wild night. Why you thought it was a bright idea to buy enough drinks for the entire bar is beyond me, but clearly your wasted self knows no limits.
12. The fact that you’re definitely going to break out because you didn’t wash your face
Mascara is on your sheets, your pillow and your arms. Rookie mistake because you know you will be trying to fight off the impending break out that will be sure to surface over the course of the upcoming week.
13. You’re starving and Seamless won’t be here for another 40 minutes
Despite the fact that you ordered your bacon, egg and cheese 12 minutes ago (Is that always the case?), you expect it to be delivered to your doorstep the second you click the submit button.
This is just the sh*tty price you pay when you don’t go grocery shopping for weeks, and the only thing in your refrigerator is a bottle of Heinz.
14. It’s 90 degrees and beautiful out, but you aren’t moving from your bed
“Ugh look how nice it is outside…”
“Yeah, too bad we will never experience what this bright and sunny day has to offer.”
15. That your belongings are MIA all over the city
ID? Gone. Debit card? Missing. One hoop earring? You’ll never see that again. At least everything can be replaced!
16. The fact that your hands smell like an ashtray, but you’re not a smoker
Why does this always seem to happen when you spend your night in a black hole of tequila shots and bad music?
Good luck trying to find your real voice because that ship has sailed right alongside with your dignity.
17. You finally realized why you are still single
Well, all of these things add up to one possible explanation for your drunken antics: You are still single. Oh well, at least you have your best friend by your side and, at the end of the day, isn’t that what matters the most?