1. Seizing the moment.
I was having sex with a new boyfriend for the first time. I had a seizure.
He didn’t realize what was happening at first and finished.
To be fair, I hadn’t had a seizure in years and he didn’t know I had epilepsy.
2. Two full inches.
This guy I worked with was always bragging about how good he was and how big his dick was.
We were getting naked and no joke, it was maybe 2 inches fully erect.
To top it off, he broke down crying because he apparently had a girlfriend and couldn’t believe he just cheated on her…
I ended up having to call her to come get him.
3. “I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH!!”
He confessed eternal love to my vagina and then yelled “YEAH! I’M RICK JAMES BITCH!!” when he climaxed. He’s a white guy who dresses like slim shady and thinks he’s a cowboy. It was also jack rabbit sex so it was extra terrible and hard on my back.
4. Done before starting.
Reached into his pants while making out and he came on my arm as soon as I made contact.
5. He purposely stung his dick with bees.
I dunno if it counts because we did not even get to the sex. But he brought … bees … into foreplay.
Yes, bees. He kept honeybees in the backyard. I’m sure they made delicious honey but he had them sting his dick for harder long-lasting super-erections. He said he got the idea from the Kama Sutra. His penis looked like a red cucumber and I think my vagina shriveled like a prune.
I am allergic to bee stings anyway so I swallowed my horror down that I nearly fucked my allergy and politely let him know it wouldn’t work out. But he was a nice guy otherwise!
6. He yelled at his dick.
I had been dating this guy I worked with for about a month, and we were really hitting it off. … He had been working me up, talking about how amazing he was going to make it that night, and I was seriously creaming my pants just waiting for it all to go down.
We go to his room, where I had never been. He’s obviously still wasted and mumbles something about not having much time to clean lately as he’s opening the door. He turned on his light and I literally gasped. His room was fucking FILTHY. He had no bed, just a mattress on the floor. Dirty laundry everywhere. Empty beer cans and DVDs and dishes on the floor and it smelled like rotting food.
I have no logical reason for why that was not a deal-breaker. It should have been, but oh, I really really like him, and well it’s his birthday, and hey my room gets messy sometimes too, and he isn’t acting like it’s a big deal so maybe I’m just being squeamish. …
So after I had snagged a few clean sheets to cover up the mattress, and Febrezed, and the rotten food was removed and taken a few more shots, and the lights were turned down enough that I could almost ignore my surroundings and pretend this situation was something approaching normal, we started getting down to business. So we’re making out. And making out. And making out some more, and that’s all we are doing. And then I notice he is fucking crying.
He jumps up, naked, and flips on the lights. And points to his flaccid penis and gestures ¯(ツ)/¯ like he’s the announcer at the circus says “and here, ladies and gentleman, is the star of the show!”
I beg him to please calm down, but he completely ignores me like I’m not even in the room. It is just him and his penis, and now they are having an argument. He is mad at his penis. He scolds his penis for ALWAYS FUCKING EVERYTHING UP! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME! EVERY TIME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??
I’m just sitting there, frozen, on the verge of tears. Scared out of my fucking mind because this is literally the craziest shit I have ever witnessed in my life, and I have no idea where he’s going with this. I try talking to him—it’s fine, you are just drunk, it happens, I don’t care, really. Again, it’s like I’m not even in the room. Then finally, he turns his back, and lets out this horrible half-groan/half-whimper. I see my way out, grab my shit and hightail it out of there (my escape was complicated due to the lack of a clear path across the floor). As I’m hopping my way out, he’s banging his fucking head against the wall slowly and methodically and slapping his penis. Or maybe giving it a spanking. In any case it’s apparently being punished.
The kicker—I’m literally walking through the door and he screams at me “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Like yeah, dude…way ahead of you.
TL;DR After month-long build-up of sexual tension, I find out the dude I’m dating lives like a barn animal and gets into fights with his flaccid penis.
7. Hour-long BJ.
The first blowjob I ever gave was an hour long. Why he didn’t stop me sooner I don’t know, I was a naive clueless virgin back then… anyways being on my knees for an hour long caused my legs to go completely numb and faceplant right into the wall.
8. Clit-biting crybaby.
He insisted on biting my clit during oral. Not just once, he kept doing it even after I told (well, screamed at) him to stop. I had to literally shove his head away from my poor bleeding vagina. Then he was pissed that I didn’t want to keep going and didn’t want to have sex anymore. He told me that I actually liked it and was being a bitch, because his previous girlfriend liked having her clit bitten during oral. He kept trying to guilt trip me into having sex with him while I had an ice pack on my vag. And no, he wouldn’t leave when I told him to. He didn’t force himself on me or anything like that afterwards, he just sat around and pouted for the rest of the night and called me an ungrateful prude while telling me all about his wonderful ex.
So yeah, I got a wonderful combination of pain, being insulted, and compared to an ex that he hadn’t gotten over yet.
9. “I AM THE FUCKING CHAMPION.”
Was giving this really attractive, well-endowed guy a blowjob this one time. As he nears climax, he says, “Am I… Am… Yes.. YES! I’m cumming! I AM THE FUCKING CHAMPION.”
And then he proceeded to just sort of lay there, eyes closed, randomly shaking every few seconds. I said his name a few times and he was just blacked out, or something. I was so embarrassed.
10. It’s known as “bagpiping.”
Once had a guy ask to fuck my armpit.
11. He asked for scrotal hickeys.
Ugh. … Fucking a dude who informs me that he’s not going to be able to come with the condom on, and I’m not about to let this guy nut in me so I take the condom off and begin sucking his dick in the hopes that he finishes. He then tells me that he likes having his balls bitten. Oh boy. So here I am on this stupid couch trying to pleasure a lunatic who gets off on ball biting. I give it a college try, sucking his sack and scraping my teeth against his testes, but I really just cannot commit to this shit. I’m kind of like, giving his scrote hickeys? Sucking forcefully and nibbling? But I think he really wanted me to take a gonad between my molars. Finally he jerked himself off with me sucking his balls and came on his stomach. God. Oh and the cat was watching us the entire time. This might not be my worst experience ever, but it’s still very fresh in my memory and I just need to tell the Internet.
12. Mom saw my strap-on.
I was 16 and in a relationship with another woman at the time. Was wearing a vibrating strap on, fucking my GF doggie style. We kept edging closer to the end of the bed and she kept saying to go harder go harder, so I’m slamming it and I guess I thrusted too hard and her elbows slipped out from under her and next thing I know she smashes her face into the edge of the headboard (it was one of those Ikea Malm ones with super sharp corners) then goes rolling off the bed head first and is in a naked fuckpile on my bedroom floor not answering me. So I panic thinking I fucking killed her or something and immediately go running thru the house naked at 3 am, burst open my mom’s door wearing nothing but a strap on dildo that’s still vibrating, yelling MOM! MOMHELP. She shoots up out of bed like a deer in headlights asking me what the fuck is the matter with me and runs into my bedroom with me (mind you she’s in nothing but mom panties) and by the time we both run back in there my GF is back awake, sitting naked on my bedroom floor just staring back at my panicked mother in underpants and me with my cock still all BZZZBBZZZBZZBZZZZZZZ.
13. Is it in?
Went home with a guy I’d had a crush on forever and things got hot and heavy (lights off, he was shy?). I actually asked, “Is it in?”… It was in. I faked it, he fell asleep, I caught a cab back to the club and continued with my night.
14. Smelly, hairy, queefing squirter.
I’m hoping that this applies to lesbian sex too, because boy oh boy do I have a train wreck of a story. Soooo. I went down on this girl one night and immediately noticed that the scent wasn’t great as my face neared her belly button. It wasn’t quite enough to deter me, as it wasn’t THAT offensive (but I wish that I had heeded my nose’s warning). So, that was the first strike. And then I found out that she had a bush. I’ve never been intimate with a girl that has one and it certainly wouldn’t be my first choice, but I was willing to get over it and again it wasn’t enough to deter me. And then she started queefing the second I started. Not slight queefing either.. Loud, offensive, over the top queefing that didn’t subside and only grew more intense as the experience continued. I understand that queefing cannot be controlled and I did my very best to ignore it even though at this point I was just so so appalled by the situation. To top it off, she squirted all over me. She then tried to return the favor, but I was so turned off that I had to leave.
15. Mid-BJ puke-fest.
I threw up everywhere mid-blowjob. It was kind of funny.
16. Mid-fellatio flatulence.
He farted while I was going down on him. No acknowledgement, no apologies, and therefore no more dates.
17. He spat on my vagina.
Guy spat on my vagina. Like leaned back and spat on it.
18. He got his chewing gum stuck in my bush.
I guess the worst was when my first boyfriend went down on me and got his gum stuck in my pubes.