Every group needs one — that token person who will always have a spare tissue in her purse and ensure each member is taken care of. The glue that keeps your gang functioning.
She’s the mom of the group, and she wears the title proudly.
Here’s something we’ve realized though, in our ripe old ages of 23+, once you hit mid-twenties, we’re all kind of moms these days. Between my newly developed Bridge skills and taste for commonly disgusting alcohols, I’m practically a grandma. No shame.
Hey, someone’s got to make sure the group gets there on time. Here are the 25 signs that you’re the mom of the gang.
1. You offer everyone snacks at the pregame
And not just of the bagged variety. You go all out and even heat up pizza bagels like it’s an after school play-date.
When your guests thank you for the treats, you commonly respond, “Oh, it’s nothing! I lovedoing this kind of stuff for you guys!” Spoken like a true mom.
2. You remind everyone to wash their hands when they arrive
It’s the number one way to prevent the spread of germs. Doctor Oz at 4 pm told you so. You trust him on everything.
3. Everyone sleeps at your place when a storm comes
You’ve been stocking up for this moment since the winter storm of ‘07. Yes! Now you can finally break into that 1,000-pack of AA batteries!
4. You are horrified when you see your friends rip-roaring drunk
Grinding is something you do with coffee beans, not in a person’s lap.
5. You carry crackers in your purse…
…As well as a host of other items. If someone looked inside your bag, she would think you’re either going on vacation or side-showing as Mary Poppins.
6. You invite everyone over for dinner at 6
Because you have to watch “The Bachelor” at 8 pm and then feed your cat. Momma needs her beauty sleep!
7. You’re always cleaning up after everyone
When people protest your labor, you use the excuse “wiping tables relaxes me.” Sometimes during moments of extreme stress, you’re even tempted to lock yourself in a closet and get high off window cleaner. There’s something about latex gloves and being streak-free that really gets you all hot and bothered.
8. You never turn down an opportunity to use the bathroom
You don’t know when the next chance will come! Am I right, kids? Wash your hands!
9. You are also affectionately known as “The Chaperone”
It’s a tough job, but someone has to keep the posse in check. If it weren’t for you, your group would have a much higher “Booted from the Club” track record.
10. Your ideal date night is a good night’s sleep
And maybe some home cooking plus catching up on ABC dramas. Are nightgowns included? You betcha!
11. You secretly own a pair of “mom” jeans for your aspirational FUPA days
You even point to hot-mom celebrities like Jessica Alba and Halle Berry to prove that they’re trendy. This isn’t helping your case, clearly.
12. You own lipstick in some shade of “Mom pink” and wear muted peach colored nail polish
Basically all of your makeup choices scream Blanche Devereaux, which you kind of love.
13. You have an affinity for fine dishware and place mats
Just walking through the home goods section of Macy’s scores you a lady boner. And your online shopping addiction largely centers on discounted candles and paper goods.
14. The majority of your browsing history reads “DIY Hostess Gifts”
You might be kicking ass at your day job, but arts & crafts are your true passion.
15. Doing laundry is your favorite pastime
It just feel so good when you get it all done! There’s nothing like the fresh scent of Tide to really put you in the mood.
16. You’ve started to comment on the appropriate-level of your friends’ outfits
Croptops at a bridal shower luncheon are your mortal enemy.
17. You have leftover Tupperware at each friend’s apartment
If it were up to you, everything would come in some form of plastic packaging. Momma knows what she likes!
18. You never miss an episode of Rachael Ray
Even just the way she misspells her name is adorable!
19. You know all the sales and specials at each department store that week
And you’ve saved enough Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons to furnish an entire college dorm.
20. You never leave the house without a bottle of wine
Your personal motto is, “BYOB.” You even have the fancy wine boxes to carry it in… because you’re classy like that.
21. You make sure the group is on-time everywhere
Sometimes your passion for the hustle makes you reconsider becoming a gym teacher again.
22. You’re the person everyone goes to for advice
Mom knows best!
23. You frequently can be found “making a trip to the store”
And will pick up extra items for the other members of your clique. You know they love double-ply toilet paper, and those 2-for-1 deals on Charmin Ultra are just all the rage right now.
24. Your friends can’t help but picture you as always drying your hands with a dish towel.
We realize how stock-photo-basic “mom” this sounds. But it’s true.
25. The group would be lost without you
You’re not like a regular mom, you’re a cool mom!