It’s like being psychic, only we’re also preparing you for the future.
1. Who your crush is
It was not “fate” that put your assigned seats next to each other. It was me. It was all me.
2. When you ACTUALLY need to use the restroom
Your mouth says, “I need to pee,” but your hand on your pocket says, “I have to have a text message conversation and don’t think I can get away with it in class.”
3. What actually happened to your homework
Yes, I’m sure your printer wasn’t working AND your email was down.
4. When you didn’t study
When 90% of the class scored well and you failed, my “harsh grading” is probably not at fault.
5. When you’re texting
I’m sure there are some fascinating crotches out there, but I’m also sure that you’re not THAT fascinated by your own.
6. When you’re trying too hard to fit in
Stop pretending like you can’t do a Spanish accent. It doesn’t sound “nerdy.” It sounds awesome.
7. When you’re not reaching your full potential
YOU ARE SO SMART BUT YOU SKIP CLASS AND DON’T STUDY AND UGH.
8. Or when you are really just not cut out for this subject
I know you’re a word-y person and not a math-y person, and I know none of this will ever make sense to you, and I’M SORRY, OK?
9. When you’re a jerk to my other students
Rest assured: Any good teacher will see to it that you are punished.
10. When you’re the one getting picked on
Please talk to me about it so that I can REALLY help you instead of just feeling extra protective over you.
11. When you don’t like me
I can sense your eye-rolling from ten desks away, and I don’t care one bit.
12. When you have the hots for me
Eyes on the chalkboard, buddy.
13. When you’re having a genuinely terrible day
Don’t worry; I won’t call on you if I think you’re about to burst into tears.
14. When you don’t ACTUALLY need to go to the nurse’s office
You got a migraine as soon as you walked into class and remembered that you had a huge project due today? What a coincidence.
15. When your parents spoil you rotten
How do I know? Because I hear from them more often than I hear from my own parents.
16. When you and your buddy “help each other” with homework
I’m sure it was the strong bff mental connection you two have that led you both to write the exact same responses for the open-ended questions.
17. When you plagiarize
This ain’t my first rodeo.
18. When you give it your best effort and work your butt off
Whether that yields an A or a C, we’re still proud of you.